Remember back when you were in High School and the time came when your schedule
would finally include that intriguing and informative health class, the one that your parents had to sign a special release waiver for you to attend? You know the one, the Sex Ed. class. This class is generally a source of mingled nervousness, embarrassment and curiosity, a combination of emotions most often expressed through much giggling, blushing and teasing.
So imagine what it might be like experiencing this class as a gay teen who may not be open or even understand about their sexuality yet.
Imagine what it must be like to be confused and scared because your own natural feelings are pointing you in a direction that is different from those around you. The information provided in the vast majority of sex education lessons makes no mention of sex with someone of the same gender. Usually, the only time the subject of same-sex relations comes up is during discussions of STDs and AIDS.
If you’re reading this article, you may already know or be wondering whether your teen is gay. You’re probably already going through some of the anxiety, stress and confusion that goes along with raising a teen who is facing questions about their sexual identity. You may also be questioning yourself as a parent, wondering what you did to cause this and having doubts about how to express your needs and feelings to your teen and other family members.
This is the same stress and confusion that gay teens face as they begin to explore their sexual identity. Imagine how disturbing it must be to find yourself as a gay teen in an environment where you expect to be taught about what your feelings mean and the mechanics of expressing them, but instead you are taught only that what comes naturally to you will probably lead to you dying of a terrible disease. Couple that with the general fear of being discovered and the discomfort of not fitting in that gay teens routinely experience and you’ve got a pretty toxic recipe.
The education that gay adolescents receive in school about sexuality is often strongly biased toward the model of heterosexuality, making that the norm, while excluding or marginalizing knowledge about any other type of sexuality. Our current education system is structured to assume that there are no gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender teenagers in sex education classes and only straight sexual issues and development are discussed. And to a gay teen it may feel that even the most well meaning and sensitive teachers include a subtle level of negative connotation when homosexuality is included in the school sexual education curriculum.
For most gay youth, this lack of openness and information about same-sex sexual behavior creates huge pressure for them to fit into the norm and hide their curiosity and natural urges. This inclination toward hiding is pervasive in most school systems because there is a lack of recognition of the needs of gay teens, whether they are in the process of coming out or not. Parents, family members, teachers and even friends often make gay teens feel out of place and uncomfortable with new feelings that are awakening toward members of the same sex.
Teachers and other adult role models in the school environment have a captive audience among their students in which many openly express their own issues of prejudice towards homosexuality, becoming part of a system that contributes to feelings of shame, vulnerability, self-hate and even panic among adolescents who are struggling with emerging feelings of attraction to members of the same sex. The biases, both subtle and overt, of these adults that teens look to for guidance can block access to the acceptance that gay youth are seeking and can prevent an open dialogue about issues of sexuality and identity.
Many gay teens find that they are not ready to face the challenges that are associated with recognizing themselves as part of a stigmatized population. There is an abundance of role models for heterosexual adolescents to emulate as they develop their interactive skills, dating rituals and other social constructs, while gay youth often find themselves excluded. The development of their gay social and sexual identity is rarely modeled or perceived as a healthy or normal experience, a fact that can lead to the development of unhealthy or even unsafe practices.
This is where brave parents and teachers can step in and make a difference. For gay teens, having a safe place to explore their identity and normalize their feelings can create a foundation for long-term self-esteem and self-acceptance. Access to a positive environment to explore can alter their feeling of being an outsider, encouraging feelings of belonging and social support that can make a challenging journey easier.
It is also important for parents and other family members to have a safe place where they can express their emotions and confusion as well. This safe place can be found with a well trained therapist who can make sure that all voices are heard in a safe protected environment. Family members are a vital facet of the coming out process and often have to deal with their own tumultuous emotional rollercoaster as the image of the family alters and a new vision must be created.
By creating a community of acceptance and understanding, we provide safe havens where gay adolescents and their families can engage to practice social skills and interactions, learn more about emerging sexual identities, and find information about the boundaries of safe sexual practices. When we discuss these concerns and experiences openly in a safe non-judgmental environment, opportunities for self-knowledge and shared learning take place. Making information and acceptance available for gay youth and their families can create an affirmative environment that leads to a more positive self-image and healthier choices and sexual practices.
A therapist who specializes in working with gay teens and their families can assist everyone in understanding the process of coming out and how it influences all members of the family. Because most parents are heterosexual, raising a gay teen can be daunting. Parents are often as confused and hungry for information as their teen. As a family, it is important to create a supportive environment for your gay or lesbian teen to speak about what’s going on with them. There also needs to be room for parents to express their feelings as well as a source of good information so that everyone’s needs are being heard and met. It can be challenging for the entire family to learn about this new identity and with the help of the right support system, including a qualified therapist, informed teachers and understanding family members all perspectives can be heard and respected.
